Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Preface

It has been suggested that I live an amazing and interesting life. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. When you are in the life it doesn't seem all that out of the ordinary. I get up I go to work, have lunch sometimes dinner and back to work. Not that big of a deal really. I suppose most of you probably know this all happens on the other side of the globe.
I guess I should start at the beginning. My commute is of course the most logical start to my work. I make my way to the wilds of Australia first. I say wilds because to me they are pretty uncivilized in comparison to the hoopla the media puts out and they have bought into during the most recent years. I suppose if one would discount the developments in the world at since the latest movie was put out about Australia circa 1940ish… they’ve made leaps and bounds. The still can’t make a decent cafĂ© mocha and they have Starbucks for god’s sake… the Indonesians make a better cup of coffee using tide water and an old sock, but the Aussies haven’t managed it with any degree of regularity.

I remember playing on the “internet” when I got out of the military in ’92… you had to dial up some outfit, generally long distance and download a program (generally porn) from a “BBS”. An Australian internet service is a bit better than that and certainly more expensive and only barely less complicated and only available in some hotels. What???!!!! Yes, Virginia… in 2011 internet is only available in some middle to upper class hotels even in Sydney.

Customer service is an absolute absurdity in Australia. I blame it on their communist belief that a worker should get paid the prevailing wage regardless of tips. What a load of bullocks. An English emigrant to Australia, a friend of mine, went into a Triumph dealership. He had done is research, looked around on the internet decided what he wanted and where to get it. He asks the “salesman” behind the counter… “Do you have the black Triumph Daytona that you had in the ad?” Simple question I should think… nothing about any particularity about any motorcycle that they may not sell, no questions about anything too technical. “Oh dunno, mate. Maybe.” Pause… Pommie… “could you check?”… Aussie… “yea… spose I could… you looking to buy one?” Irritated Pommie… “yea, that’s why I came to a dealership.” “oh… no need to get your panties in a twist.” Angry Pommie…”If you happen to find it in the next week or so and it is as advertised, give me a call and I’ll buy it. I have cash.” Aussie… “right mate, I’ll give you a call.” The Pommie walks out muttering on his breath and buys the next one… in a color he didn’t want from a guy 300miles away that he found the next weekend. He never heard back from the “dealership”.

Australia does have clean drinking water most everywhere you go… not sure about Darwin, that place is a bit of a pit. The food is bland as hell but mostly safe to eat. Kabobs are always a bit suspect.

So I arrive after 26hrs of planes and airports to the hot, muggy and coffee challenged Australia. From Sydney I continue on to Cairns (pronounced Cans... not sure why) to rest and recuperate from the tortures, injustices and humiliations that should be illegal that are imposed on us by the airline industry.

Cairns is in Tropical North Queensland and just about as liberal as liberal can be without being completely uncivilized about it. It was founded to service the gold mines in the area then the sugar cane and other tropical agricultural products. It has since been taken nearly completely over by back packers or smelly, poverty stricken inconsiderate hippies as I like to call them. It is also a deserving destination for diving the Great Barrier Reef, if you have the coin and desire to see colorful fish and things that you didn’t see someplace else because I mean, they are fish and not that terribly uncommon after all. Cairns from the air looks like a beautiful place and I suppose that it is in its tropical way. Bear in mind that the tropics aren’t all that great... bug and fungus of every sort not to mention the diseases. But yes... Virginia it is warm and sunny when it's not raining and hot and steamy when it is. I have been working in the tropics for nearly eight years now, it’s lost a bit of it’s charm. If you can imagine New Orleans in June but hotter, you get the idea. Two helpful tips if you care to travel there for some reason. DO NOT GO FROM DECEMBER TO FEBRUARY… it’s miserable hot and oh my god rainy. Another tip… get out of Cairns… the beach there is mud and most of the surrounding towns are less touristy. Not as smelly hippies either.


After checking into my hotel (and feeling a tad raped about the whole thing) I look for something that doesn't resemble airline food in any way. Australians make this challenging to do on less than $25. I first went to Australia in 1995 and back then on US dollar would get you at least two Australian dollars. A hotel that cost you $100AUD would be around $40USD and that is reasonable for a muggy, slightly moldy and occasionally buggy hotel room. Now the exchange rate is about $1.07USD to $1AUD and the prices haven’t changed except to go up. Bear in mind I don’t generally do less than three stars. In regard to the muggy, moldy and slightly buggy room, everything in the tropics is like this so it isn’t meant to be disparaging to the Aussies. Generally they are good, fun loving and honest people… even the hippies I guess. The puzzlement about Australian hotels is the bathrooms. Generally there isn’t a basin for the bottom of the shower; they have a “wet” floor. All the shower water runs to a central drain in the middle of the bathroom floor. Crazy I know but it’s true. A hotel might have a very nice tile or marble counter top with a nice drawer system built into it… with all the plumbing exposed and no way to shut the water off if the tap breaks off in your hand. You can shut the power off six ways to Sunday but not water.

Plug in a teapot when you get there. Once you get the plug into the outlet, there is a switch next to the outlet, a switch on the pot and a switch on the handle that kicks off when the water boils. There is also a circuit breaker in the room generally in case you want another option. One of these may be admitted but generally this is the process. Water? If the tap’s screwed… so are you.

After checking in it’s off to find a bite to eat that doesn’t resemble airline food. It seems the most common Australia tucker is roast lamb or beef of some sort and generally bland as an old shoe and if you’re luck only half as tough. A friend of mine told me that the best Australian food is ethnic food. You can get pretty decent and authentic Italian, Asian and Indian food. Under no circumstance, even in your boldest moment try Mexican, wholly disappointing. I’ve had better Mexican food in Bali for god’s sake. After eating I generally do a bit of shopping, if I’m close. I don’t want to walk more than six or eight blocks in that humidity. It just pours off of me and I’m soaked in a very short period of time. Toward the end I get a bottle or two of wine and head back to my room for some a/c and a shower… again. You can get pretty decent wine in Australia. The beer is lager and if you like sweetish slightly off beers, almost Lambic beer then give it a shot. It packs a punch and it quite filling. The wine is generally good like I said and much more reasonable than beer. They have a nasty habit of mixing a cabernet with say a Merlot or Shiraz, where or why I don’t know. I have a feeling they have a lot of cabernet around that’s not selling.

The booze is medicinal. After all that time on an airplane and you want to stay up until at least sundown else your sleeping schedule with be all whacked out. Get bombed… pass out around 10pm… stay up to see the fruit bats flying past the window, though. I’m still amazed by those big buggers and the sheer numbers of them. Off to Papua New Guinea tomorrow so you need some sleep.